I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Randomize