your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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