My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
