wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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