I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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