Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
