im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
