And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
