Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
