i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
