I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
