hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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