Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
