What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
