I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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