remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
