I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
