i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
