You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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