I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize