I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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