Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
