Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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