You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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