Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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