PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
