last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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