He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
