Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
