I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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