my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
