The maid of honor just puked.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
