4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
