why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
