You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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