Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
