is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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