I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
