i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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