Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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