the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
