The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
As shirtless as possible
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
