I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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