i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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