Just cropdusted the office
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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