remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just found puke in my bra..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
