Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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