Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
