You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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