I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
