I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I didn't notice because vodka
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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