I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
