as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
