now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
