I could make wine with my vomit
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
