Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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