Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
