I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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