im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
